The problem is, I really like beer. Posh beer. £5 a 330ml hipster-can beer, when it’s payday, and a pint of whatever’s cheapest when it isn’t. The kind of beer where you drink four of them and smoke a bunch of someone else’s cigarettes and wake up at 90 minute intervals during the night with mind-freezing existential terror and a mouth that tastes and feels like PVA glue that’s passed through a wolf. I’m not very good at drinking.
My hangovers have actually got better with age and I think it’s directly proportional to the skyrocketing quality of my hangover food over the years. At university, one particularly sad morning, I woke up as the last resident in a student flat that everybody else had moved out of. There was Fruit and Fibre. There was no milk and only a fork in the drawer. That was a bad one.
2011, aged 20, my hangover treatment was:
- Half a can of warm, flat ginger beer.
- Speak Now by Taylor Swift on very, very quietly.
- Jacob’s crackers and/or toast without butter, cold and hard from being toasted hours beforehand in a blind panic (this is always a dud by the way, because it’s disgusting and you end up vomiting and thinking about yeast).
- Just hurling. For hours. Shouting soup. Ordering a cheese and tomato toilet-pizza without the base. Talking to God on the great white telephone. Chatting with Huey and Ralph. Blowing chunks. It’s the only way.
I did some AUDIENCE RESEARCH and I found out yours. It was a casual question posed to Facebook and now I have over 100 suggestions to wade through so, you know, thanks. Here are my top 7:
‘Pepperami and Monster Munch. One after the other, I’m not a total savage.’ – Jo
‘Rubicon and Wotsits’. – Ildiko
‘Pint of Coke. Full English breakfast if somebody else is making it. Bacon and cheese sandwich if I’m making it. Leftover curry if there’s any going. Literally anything if someone else brings it to me.’ – Keith
‘Precisely one booze.’ – Nick
‘One time in Lyon when I thought I was dying of booze I was saved by a super delicious peach. I will remember that peach forever.’ – Hester
‘Can of coke and a supermarket cheese and onion sandwich with crisps in it.’ – Jo 2
‘Diet coke and a cheeseburger with a spliff tbh’ – Seleena
I am not a health professional and I don’t actually know what will help you. However, I have experience catering for not only my own stupid abused body after a night of drinking, but often for whole groups of idiot overindulgers who have ended up in my house, demanding my food and my sympathy. So here’s how we deal with a hangover.
- The moment you wake up, have some squash. Rehydrates you better than a sugary fizzy drink, and the odds are that it’ll taste way nicer when it comes back up.
- Got some small bits of fruit? Eat them. Grapes, berries, literally anything. Get it in you. Vitamins innit.
- Now for the fat and the salt:
LILY’S ‘O DEATH WHERE IS THY STING’ HASH
Serves… I dunno. Two? How much can you hold down?
YOU WILL NEED
- A bit of chorizo, or any sausage, or in fact bacon, whatever – cut into little pieces.
- A big onion, diced
- About 4 eggs
- 2 tsps Paprika – ONLY if you’re NOT using chorizo though. Otherwise it’ll taste way too red.
- 1 tin of economy baked beans
- Black pepper
- Any old leftover shit you can find in the fridge – got half a pepper? Leftover cooked potatoes? Wilting spring onions? A wrinkly ol’ chilli? a lonely mushroom? Chop it up. It’s going in.
- Grated cheese
- Sliced avocado
- Fried cherry tomatoes
- Heat a tablespoon of vegetable oil in a frying pan.
- Throw in your onion, your meat, and all the other shit you found in the fridge.
- Push them despondently around the frying pan while you wait for the sweet release of death.
- Add the paprika, if you HAVEN’T used chorizo.
- Heat your beans in a small saucepan, or a microwave. It’s going to be OK. Do you like toast with your hash? Now is a great time to make toast.
- Fry your eggs.
TIME FOR A BONUS INTERJECTION FROM MY DAD:
“why fry the eggs separately? Use your shaking hand to give the eggs a halfhearted beating and pour over the (now cooked) contents of your pan, stir till eggs are cooked (hash style) or, if you are feeling a bit upper class, allow the bottom to set (if only yours would) sprinkle it with grated cheese (the omelette NOT your bottom) and finish under the grill.”
- Finally – put your toast, if you’ve managed it, onto a plate. Put the hash on the toast. Put the eggs on the hash, if you haven’t added them already. Put the beans somewhere nearby.
- Put a really quiet acoustic singer-songwriter album on, the kind you would usually laugh at but today it’s about as much as you can manage.
- Eat it. If it takes you all day and you have to run off to be sick in between attempts – eat it.
You’ll be fine.